


taught me a secret language (i can't speak with anyone else)

by percasbeths



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Based on a Taylor Swift Song, F/F, Fluff and Angst, No beta oops, Theyna - Freeform, no happy ending, ya i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26291305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/percasbeths/pseuds/percasbeths
Summary: she knew that they couldn't be together, it was common sense, really. she knew it shouldn't hurt her, yet it did.and she let it.(based on "illicit affairs" by taylor swift)
Relationships: Thalia Grace/Reyna Avila Ramírez-Arellano
Comments: 26
Kudos: 76





	taught me a secret language (i can't speak with anyone else)

_ Make sure nobody sees you leave _

_ Hood over your head, keep your eyes down _

_ Tell your friends you're out for a run _

_ You’ll be flushed when you return _

_ Take the road less traveled by _

_ Tell yourself you can always stop _

_ What started in beautiful rooms _

_ Ends with meetings in parking lots _

When Thalia Grace first agreed to be a Hunter of Artemis, she hadn’t thought much of the idea of swearing off romance. She’d grown up never finding attraction to any guys who gave her attention, not even simple crushes. So, she figured she’d never find any romance, and joined the Hunters. 

That all came crashing down when she met Reyna Avila Ramírez-Arellano. Even with her pinning Thalia down, with a knife pressed to her throat, she felt  _ everything _ the second their eyes met. One look in her eyes and Thalia understood what love songs meant, she understood what Annabeth was talking about when she’d go soft-eyed and think about Percy. It connected, really, but it also royally fucked her over. 

So, instead of ever talking about it, she buried it and helped Reyna through the quest. She ignored the way she thought Reyna was absolutely stunning when she was in battle, ignored the way her stomach would erupt in butterflies when she looked in her eyes, the way Thalia thought her hair looked incredible when it was freed of the braid. 

She thought she could get over it, especially considering Thalia was a Hunter and Reyna was a praetor. She was always travelling, camping underneath the stars and immortal, while Reyna had a city to run. What failed to cross her mind, however, was the prospect of Reyna herself becoming a Hunter of Artemis. But then she watched her swear herself in, and Thalia could feel something inside her die. 

If she had no chances of ever getting a chance with Reyna, they were now in the negatives. To make matters worse, she could feel everything in her wanting Reyna. There were times when she thought she was fine, but then all Reyna had to do was give her a smile or brush her arm and suddenly she felt like she was a preteen with an awful crush, and it left her breathless.

The first time the thought that Reyna may like her back crossed her mind, it was late at night and they were the only two left awake. Their only light source came from a dwindling, dying down fire and the stars, and they sat on a sleeping cot together, shoulders brushing. Thalia was telling her an aimless story from her childhood—Something from the days when it was she and Jason together. Reyna was half-asleep, half-listening to whatever Thalia was saying, and as the night got darker, Reyna’s head fell onto Thalia’s shoulder.

That action was familiar—Thalia had gotten used to Reyna falling asleep against her multiple times, but it was the way Reyna’s hand reached out to hold onto Thalia’s and intertwined their fingers that was unknown territory. Thalia’s voice trailed off, going weak as her gaze fixated on their hands. 

“Why’d you stop?” Reyna’s voice came out sleep-filled, muffled by the fabric of Thalia’s jacket. Thalia gave her hand a squeeze, “I thought you fell asleep.”

“I’m not asleep yet—Keep going, I’m listening, Thals.” 

So she did, and the two of them stayed up far later than they should have in that very position: Hands tangled together, knees pressed together, Reyna’s head on Thalia’s shoulder. Thalia only prayed that Reyna couldn’t hear the pounding of her heart, but something in her knew that thought was futile—It was like there was a sledgehammer in her chest, all from the proximity of the two of them. 

When the two of them finally decided to call it quits and head to bed, Reyna brushed a kiss to Thalia’s cheek: feather light and barely there, but enough to leave her mind reeling for hours after that. 

  
  
  


The second time they shared something, it was much more forward, as if the two of them grew tired of playing it safe. They were sharing a tent, something that they’d done constantly since Reyna joined the Hunters, but after the night she kissed Thalia’s cheek, something changed. They’d exchange quiet glances or fall asleep with their fingers intertwined, almost as if there was something unspoken between them. And Thalia was too afraid to speak it aloud, too afraid it was just hopeful thinking: Something she was imagining or overthinking.

They were laying side by side, the top of the tent they were using a sheer net, allowing light from the moon to illuminate the small space. It was a warmer night, allowing them to rid themselves of their bulky sweaters and lay in flimsy t-shirts, and in the moonlight Reyna’s old purple Camp Jupiter shirt made her dark eyes shine. They weren’t doing anything in particular, or even talking about anything in particular, then Reyna’s voice broke the silence.

“Thals?” 

“Hm?” Thalia snapped from her half-asleep state, shifting so she could face Reyna. From where she was, their faces were inches from each other. Reyna took in a breath, “How do you navigate liking someone?”

“That’s something I think you’d know more about, wouldn’t you?” Thalia asked, an amused smile on her lips, “Didn’t you crush on two people?”

“I don’t think those were real.” Reyna turned, meeting Thalia’s eyes. If she moved any further, their noses would brush together. She was silent for a moment, almost as if she was gathering her thoughts, and Thalia said nothing, too afraid to break the bubble they were in. “I think… I think those were obligations more than anything—Like I convinced myself I had to like them. This time, though—It’s real.”

“Well, you know, Hunters… We can’t–”

“Believe me, I know.” Reyna cut her off, a sigh leaving her lips. Thalia felt the breath hit her skin, and it sent a shiver through her. “It makes it so much worse.”

“Makes what worse?” Thalia’s voice was so low, a stark contrast to her usual tone, which was loud, commanding, and sometimes teasing. She could feel an eruption in her chest, and she was too scared to speak too much—Too afraid that she may overstep and Reyna will shut down. 

“The way I feel.” Reyna paused, and for a split second her gaze shifted to Thalia’s lips, then back to her eyes. It happened so quickly that Thalia convinced herself it was her brain playing tricks on her, but then she lifted a hand and wounded one of Thalia’s hairs around her finger, “I don’t know what to do.”

“I do.” Thalia nudged herself closer to Reyna, “It’s a no brainer, really.”

Before Reyna could speak, Thalia pressed her lips to hers. For a second, Thalia was convinced she’s just made the most idiotic move of her life, but then Reyna’s lips moved against hers, and her hand that was playing with her hair moved to her cheek, and suddenly it all connected. It was like Thalia’s world felt completed, and she was in absolute bliss because Reyna was kissing her back.

Their nights together went from quiet slumbers to stolen kisses and arms wrapped around each other. They both knew what would happen if they got caught, but when they kissed, those thoughts went away. The risk was terrifying, but the thought of parting was worse, so they kept themselves hidden, convinced that hiding was much more preferable than not being together at all. 

_ Leave the perfume on the shelf _

_ That you picked out just for him _

_ So you leave no trace behind _

_ Like you don’t even exist _

_ Take the words for what they are _

_ A dwindling, mercurial high _

_ A drug that only worked _

_ The first few hundred times _

“Thalia, stop it!” Reyna laughed, gripping Thalia’s shoulders, “You’re tickling me, not kissing me!”

“Is there a difference?” Thalia muttered against Reyna’s skin, her face buried in her neck. She felt Reyna laugh again before she shoved her off, causing Thalia to land beside her on the floor with a thud. 

“When I said ‘let’s make out’, I didn’t want you to do that.” Reyna said, and Thalia sat up, “I was trying not to leave hickies.”

“Then kiss my lips, idiot.” She pulls her closer, pressing her lips to Thalia’s to silence all other sentences she had. Whenever they kissed, Thalia always lost track of her thoughts—Her brain would turn into literal mush for as long as their lips were pressed together. Thalia shifted, climbing over Reyna as her lips trailed down her neck once again. 

She always had to be careful when she kissed Reyna’s neck. They’d been doing whatever they were doing for almost three months now, but there was always the fear of being caught that made them scared. It’s not like they’d labelled it or anything, but they both knew it was  _ something _ . If she was being honest, she hated the secrecy. She wanted, more than anything, to be able to hold Reyna outside of their shared tents and cabins, to kiss her cheek whenever she’d take charge of the Hunters, squeeze her hand during bonfires. That was all wistful thinking, though, because Reyna would never go public with anything. 

From the first night they’d kissed, Reyna made sure Thalia knew that they couldn’t ever speak about it. So instead, they formed their little bubble and kept it to themselves. And for each time Reyna let Thalia’s hand go or let her head fall off her shoulder, a part of Thalia’s heart broke off. 

Reyna’s small sigh broke Thalia from her thoughts, and Reyna held Thalia’s jaw, pulling her face to hers so she could kiss her on the lips once again, “My turn.”

They flipped, Reyna’s hair falling in a curtain around the two of them as she hovered over Thalia. Her thumb ran over Thalia’s cheek, jaw, down her neck, “You’re beautiful, you know that?”

“Look who’s talking.” Thalia responded, a blush dusting her cheek as Reyna gave her a small smile, “Stealing my compliments, are we?”

“You want me to use another word?” Thalia tucked a hair behind Reyna’s ear. Her hair was almost always tied away in a neat braid, but ever since Thalia told her she loved her hair down, she’d made attempts to style it otherwise—Just for her. “I can think of a lot of other ones, you know, not just to describe your looks.”

Reyna kissed the corner of Thalia’s lips, “You’re annoying.”

“Mm, you love me though.” The words left Thalia before she could realize what she’d said, and she felt Reyna freeze against her. She knew was blushing, her cheeks felt like they were on fire, “Gods, Reyna, ignore that. I was–”

“I do.” Thalia stopped speaking, her mind blanking the instance the two syllables leave Reyna’s lips. She froze, staring into the other girl’s eyes with wide eyes and parted lips. Reyna held a strand of Thalia’s hair between her fingertips, “I do love you, Thalia.”

Thalia could combust—Everything in her was a flurry of emotions as she lifted her head to kiss Reyna, brushing their lips together ever-so-slightly. “And I love you.”

Then they were kissing, and any previous concerns were gone from her brain because Reyna was here, and she loved her, and she was kissing her and all she could feel against her skin was her and the way she smelled and the way her heart was beating just as fast as hers was and how smooth her skin felt against her fingertips. She was in love and was loved in return, that was what mattered to her. 

  
  


_ And you wanna scream _

_ Don't call me "kid," don't call me "baby" _

_ Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me _

_ You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else _

_ Don't call me "kid," don't call me "baby" _

_ Look at this idiotic fool that you made me _

_ You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else _

_ And you know damn well _

_ For you, I would ruin myself _

_ A million little times _

  
  


Thalia thought she’d gotten over the whole ‘we have to keep this a secret’ thing, she really thought she had. They’d been dating for almost a year now, with little glances shared between them in public places turning into stolen kisses late into the night when everyone else was asleep. It was a routine between them at this point, a habit Thalia had gotten all too used to– Almost as if it was a whole part of her now. 

Granted, Reyna Avila Ramirez-Arellano had become a part of her. She’d engrained herself so deeply into Thalia that she was part of her being—She caught parts of herself becoming so like Reyna, picking up similar habits and traits while also being absolutely in love with her. She wouldn’t change it for the world, though, because loving Reyna was a privilege she would never risk. 

Which is why, when Reyna had lifted herself to go to bed early one night they were visiting Camp Half-Blood and Thalia responded with a kiss on the cheek, she wanted to bury herself right then and there. Thankfully, the only other three demi-gods present were Nico, Percy, and Annabeth who were only half paying attention, so she could easily pass it off as something else. Annabeth gave a knowing look, however, but never pressed any further. She still mentally beat herself up, over and over again, because how could she be that stupid and forgetful? 

She made her way to the Artemis cabin an hour later, after bidding a good night to anyone still awake at the campfire, and saw Reyna still awake amongst the other Hunters that had decided to visit camp as well. Wordlessly, she got up when Thalia entered, and gestured with her hand to the door. Thalia followed without hesitation, allowing Reyna to lead the two of them to the beach, empty from all other campers.

“Reyna, I’m so–”

“It’s okay, Thals.” Reyna gave her a smile, one that made her heart skip a beat. “We’ve gotten too used to it, I mean—We were bound to slip up eventually, weren’t we?”

“I just—I know I won’t pull anything like that again, you know that, right?” Thalia stepped toward Reyna, attempting to close the gap between them. It seemed so big, especially considering that most of their conversations took place in a shared sleeping bag. Right now, though, Reyna stood an arm’s length away, and that felt like a massive chasm to Thalia. 

“I know you won’t.” Reyna was staring into the waves, not at her, watching the way they crashed against rocks: loud, messy, and splashing water across the rest of the sand. “You won’t, because we can’t do this anymore.”

“Reyna, no–” Thalia jumped to interject, taking another step toward Reyna, her heart pounding in her chest. Reyna finally turned to her, and even in the moonlight her eyes shined with unshed tears that broke something in Thalia. She shook her head, “We have to.”

“I can’t—I don’t want to lose you!” Thalia knew she was crying, she felt the wetness on her cheeks without even lifting a hand to her skin. She reached out her hand to hold onto Reyna’s. Reyna sniffled, “We can’t do this to ourselves anymore.”

Reyna reached a hand to trace Thalia’s cheek, to her jawline, and the action sent a shiver through her skin. She rested a forehead against Thalia’s, “I can’t do this anymore, Thals. The sneaking around, the fear of being caught—It’s too much.”

“Then we’ll leave the Hunters, we’ll talk to Artemis, we’ll do something– There are solutions, you know?” Thalia’s voice was laced with a desperation she’d never recognized before, her hands cupping Reyna’s jaw. From this close, Thalia could see the small beauty marks that littered Reyna’s cheeks, the small scar above her eyebrow from a sparring match she’d had with Jason when they were brand new praetors, the tears on her cheeks. She was beautiful, she would always be beautiful. 

Reyna gave Thalia a sad smile, her thumb brushing against her cheek as she shook her head slightly, “You know we can’t do that. We just– We have to stop, okay?”

“But I love you.” She begged, pleaded, and Reyna let out a small noise, like a choked sob. She pulled her head away, “And I love you—That’s why I’m doing this.”

Thalia couldn’t say anything as Reyna turned, walking away from her and toward the Artemis cabin. Thalia fell to the sand, her arms wrapping around herself as she pulled her knees to her chest and cried. If kissing Reyna felt like what love songs were, then this, the feeling of losing her, felt like what heartbreak songs sounded like, and she hated that she now understood that feeling. 

In her heart, she knew she would never find someone else like Reyna, nor would she ever love someone like Reyna. She wanted, desperately, to respect Reyna’s wishes and take the break up, but the other part of her, the one who’s heart pounded from something as simple as Reyna’s smile, wanted to fight for her. Instead of doing anything, though, she hauled herself to the silence of the Zeus cabin and curled onto Jason’s empty bunk, tugging the blanket to her chest and letting the emptiness consume her. 

  
  
  


And for weeks, that’s exactly what she did. She let herself be consumed by the monotonicity of day-to-day life, ignoring the ache in her chest. She allowed everyone and anyone else to take charge, opting to blend into the background. Somehow, Reyna letting her go did something to the way she saw the world: It all blurred to her. She no longer saw the same brightness she’d seen two months ago when Reyna had laid with her and described the vividness of the nature around them, she no longer battled with the same gusto Reyna had trained her with, she no longer spoke with the same confidence and intellect that she carried herself with when Reyna was beside her. Instead, she convinced herself those were all momentary, temporary, placebo effect type traits– Something she had imagined because her mind was so muddled with Reyna. She knew the truth, though: That those little things were something she could only get with Reyna. 

What made things worse, though, was when they were pushed into travelling and scouting in pairs. Over the years of Reyna becoming a Hunter, she’d quickly linked herself to Thalia and stuck there. It only made sense for the two of them to stick out together, after all, considering Thalia was the one who stupidly sold her on the idea of becoming a Hunter of Artemis. Of course, no one knew they broke up, so whenever the idea of splitting into pairs came up, they were still foolishly paired together.

Before, they thrived off the private pair work. It gave them a chance to be free of scrutiny and instead allowed them to act like they could be a couple in public: Hold hands, steal small pecks, joke around openly. Now, though, it was filled with them standing a solid foot apart, awkward silence, and the two of them avoiding looking anywhere near each other’s eyes. And Thalia hated it. 

It was a regular scouting mission, a routine operation the Hunters did: Travel through familiar forests that have had reports of some form of harm, figure out what’s wrong, and fix it. They still donned their usual weapons and prepared for battle, but the mundane-ness of the entire thing had gotten them so used to being relaxed during the walks, rather than on high alert like they’d usually be. 

What Thalia hadn’t thought to happen, though, was for a massive monster to make itself seen inches away from Reyna. The two of them barely had time to register what was going on before it slashed at the girl, and Thalia acted before thinking and jumped in front of Thalia. She felt a blade-type run across her lower abdomen before she collapsed onto the ground, a strangled sound of pain leaving her. She heard Reyna yell out her name, then the sound of a sword slashing before Reyna was on the ground beside her.

“Thalia, Thals—You idiot, my Gods, what did you do?” Reyna held Thalia’s face between her hands, forcing her eyes to meet her own, and Thalia could see tears in Reyna’s eyes. Thalia gave her a weak, small tilt of her head, “You should know by now I’d risk everything for you.”

There was a small silence in the air, but Reyna couldn’t dwell on it. Instead, Thalia let her feed her two ambrosia squares and waited for the pain to pass. She sat up once the pain had turned into a numbed throb, and she could see tears rolling down Reyna’s cheek. 

“Hey,” Thalia used a hand to hold Reyna’s chin, forcing their eyes to meet, “I’m fine, we’re fine—Okay?”

“How could you do that even after I did what I did to you?” Reyna let out, her hands balled into fists in her lap. Thalia furrowed her brows, “What?”

“I—I hurt you, Thalia!” Reyna tugged herself from Thalia’s grip, putting distance between them, “I hurt you and I made us break up and yet you still—You took an injury for me, you still care for me, why?” 

“Breaking up doesn’t make feelings go away, you know?” Thalia shrugged, “I still—I love you, Reyna. That’s not—That isn’t stopping, or going away, anytime soon. I’m in love with you, and I would do anything to ensure you’re okay—Including breaking myself for you.”

Thalia rarely ever was honest or vulnerable, yet here she was: Pouring her guts out in the middle of a forest to Reyna, because she couldn’t bottle this anymore, especially not with the way Reyna was feeling. Reyna wiped at a tear, her eyes staring into Thalia’s with an intensity she hadn’t seen for a while, “I still love you, too.”

“Then why are we doing this?” Thalia pleaded, “I don’t understand, okay? We love each other—I don’t see why this has to happen.”

“Thals, we can’t—I can’t do the sneaking around anymore, okay? I do love you, Gods, do I love you, but I can’t.” Reyna shook her head, turning her face, “It just—It has to stop.”

Thalia felt everything in her break. She’d heard of heartbreak, through movies and tv shows and silly love songs, but she never, ever expected it to feel like this. She never expected it to feel worse than the wound she’d gotten almost ten minutes ago, and this time, she knew no ambrosia would help.

“If that’s what you want.” She sniffed, turned, and forced herself to walk away. Maybe if she walked away, Reyna wouldn’t hear her heart breaking. Maybe if she walked away, Reyna would want her back. 

  
  


_ And that's the thing about illicit affairs _

_ And clandestine meetings and longing stares _

_ It's born from just one single glance _

_ But it dies and it dies and it dies _

_ A million little times _

  
  


Two months, and Reyna never looked back. Three months, and Thalia’s heart stopped hurting everytime she looked at Reyna. Four months, and Thalia could breathe around her again. Six months, and all she did was miss the smile Reyna would give her before she kissed her. Six months, all she wanted was Reyna in her arms. 

She never did come back to them, though. 


End file.
